When I bring up the topic of sex with clients in our sessions, their responses vary widely: discomfort, shock, excitement, disgust, fear, shame, and laughter. Depending on a client’s upbringing, trauma history, or internalized societal beliefs about their bodies, sexuality evokes a wide range of emotional reactions and personal meanings.

Sexual identity and expression are central to who we are as humans, whether we value sexuality as an important experience or not. You can learn a lot about a person based on their reactions to discussions about personal sexual identity.

What I discuss below focuses primarily on those who value sexuality or incorporate it into their lives in some way. I’ve worked with numerous clients who identify as asexual; their pleasure through intimacy can manifest in many different ways that don’t include actual intercourse or even physical touch. There is no right way to experience intimacy and connection with another person; it’s just that, for many of us, it does involve sex.

Sex is very much like therapy (what a comparison, right?). It’s a conversation, a collaboration, a transaction of energy. Just like in therapy, where the therapist is attuned to the client’s needs through awareness of verbal and nonverbal cues, sex involves two human beings connecting on a deeper level, an awareness of something beyond the five senses. It’s about finding a flow in the ambiguity and chaos of being human.

Historically, shame, disgust, and fear have surrounded much of what it means to be a sexual being. I challenge you to see sex less as acting on animalistic impulses and more as an elevation beyond our usual plane of existence. A conversation must be transactional, and while in therapy the therapist primarily takes on the role of a compassionate listener, we also have needs and goals in the therapeutic relationship. Sexuality can very much be just that—a therapeutic relationship—as long as we are willing to learn the skills to recognize a person’s needs and respect their boundaries, lived experiences, and expectations in an interaction.

Whether it’s sex, therapy, politics, or religion, the world might look very different if we moved away from the constant expectation to be heard, seen, and fulfilled while dismissing the needs of the humans around us. Any human interaction is a back-and-forth flow of energy that requires a willingness to embrace our shared experience rather than just our own.